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The Real News, For Pete's Sake People
By Patricia Neill
Posted January 24, 1998
NOTE: The normally genteel Ms. Neill got a bit carried away this time. She's come up with something to offend just about everybody. If you prefer not to read rough language, or if you are a senator with an itch for censorship, we might all be happier if you didn't read this one.

Dear Fellow Countrymen,

Honestly, folks, it is time now that we truly rally behind our beloved free press and pay attention to the real news of interest. It is now a matter of Vital National Importance that we do NOT waste our miniscule attention spans on the personal and political problems of a current political figure. To attend to the continuing Saga of the Presidential Member is Mere Purience, and we Americans are better than that lowdown slutwhore dog of a mafiaso dickbrained sumbitch hellborn scumsucking .... oh excuse me. I am suffering from a minor problem with Tourette's Syndrome these days. I am extremely embarrassed ... please forgive me. I'm also having a problem with Scandalous Capitalization, a disorder not yet discovered by the Institutional Discoverers of Disorders Where There Aren't Really Any, aka, the American Psychiatric asshole fuckdicks who just make all that shit up anyway in order to earn a whole fuck of a lot of money from a bunch of really stupid people who just need a good spanking and to go to church on Sundays as .... oh excuse me. Tourette's again.

The important news, as reported to me this morning by our Beloved Free Press over at National Public Radio, is two stories of Massive Significance. The first is this: The Pope--the Pope-- is in Cuba. Cuba, mind you. Listen Up,fellow citizens. He is Concerned about Young People. NPR reporters truthfully and with great sadness in their voices said that The Pope said that Young People in Cuba are forced to attend educational institutions where they are indoctrinated ... This is Horrible. Absolutely Disgusting and Horrible. The Pope, a very brave man, not to mention the Spiritual Father of millions of absolute idiots who buy into that shit that the Pope has a Clue About What God His Own Self thinks .... oh excuse me ... said this Right Out in Public where people in Cuba, a communist country very much like America, could actually Hear Him say that Young People are forced to be indoctrinated by the State. We need, of course, to Take Immediate Action. Like bomb the everliving shit out of those fucking shitheads ... oh, please excuse me. This Tourette's is really becoming a problem.

Now THAT is REAL NEWS, fellow citizens. Forget all that stuff going on in Washington DC. It doesn't matter. Don't waste your minute tiny drugged to the gills attention deficit spans on what is happening with the Presidential Penis. It really isn't news. It is below us, as citizens of a Mighty (Stupid) Country to give that a thought, seeing as we have so few actual Thoughts to Spare.

The other REALLY IMPORTANT NEWS as reported to me by my beloved and trusted free press people over at NPR is that the Israeli/Palestinian Peace Process has STALLED ... although I didn't catch the reason why since I had to jump in the shower. This Important, Vital Peace Process, which has apparently been going on for 20,000 years and without which the World As We Know It Would Immediately Come to an End .... just up and stalled.

This is NEWS, not just that our Hugely Embarrassing Asshole President can't keep his dick in his pants ... oops. 'Scuse me. Pay Attention, Americans, to the Important Things .... NPR reporters said their Hearts were Going Out to Hillary RodUpHerButt Clinton who must be Atrociously Embarrased at this amazing Idiot she was stupid enough to marry ... ahem ... sorry ... damn this Tourette's, it is really embarrassing since I'm a nice, Irish Baptist girl who wishes like SHIT that she was Jewish right now so I could get some of that Nazi gold ... but I'm digressing.

We Have to DO SOMETHING about this Peace Process thing. It Stalled. Now THAT is Important. Are you paying attention? Here's my suggestion. I of course, being a Sensible Person, carry cables in my car just for Things that Stall. I suggest that we apply some direct electricity to the Stalled Peace Process ... like electrocuting every fucking asshole who has anything to do with it ... oh sorry. Jeez. I'm a nice girl, really I am.

Americans, Beloved Fellow Countrymen you witless asinine screamingly inane fools who deserve to die horribly for your stupidity ... sorry ... we must Live Through this Current Crisis in Our Nation. We must Stand Behind our Beloved Free Press and pay attention to the important News Items of the Day.

Otherwise, we'll all die of Laughing Ourselves to Death.

What a Fate.

(c)1998 Patricia Neill
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2 February, 1998