SMUCKWAP NEWSSERVICE, Xi'an, China --- In order to further the feel-good fuzzy warm glowing feelings between the US and China, President Clinton today agreed to donate some of the body parts of his 1,000 plus entourage, while at the same time protecting their human rights, such as the right to do what you're ordered by the Commander in Chief. "There are needy Chinese citizens here, and with our historic respect for the worth, dignity, and freedom of every citizen in the world, including, occasionally, American citizens, some of my staff will be donating their organs to loyal Chinese citizens."
Clinton's speech was met with smiles from the Chinese diplomats and officials who were showing Clinton and his entourage around the ancient city of Xi'an, but with horrified gasps from the prospective organ donors. The foreign ministry spokesman, Wang Hung Lo, said that cooperation in this important endeavor "benefits both sides. Those who are in the mainstream of bilateral relations should have a correct view." "Or die," he added.
Among those in American delegation hand-picked by Clinton to lose an eye, a kidney, a vein, heart, liver, pitutary, brain, lung, or some other body part were Madeleine Snotbright, Secretary of Misrule, Daniel Glickglack, Secretary of Compost, John Podesta, Deputy Chief of Stupidity, Samuel Berger, Assistant to the President for National Treasonous Affairs, Nancy Heinilich, Director of Oval Office Affairs with Interns, Flash Bazbo, Assistant Deputy to the Deputy Assistant to the Assistant Secretary of Booty and Treasure, Lael Braindead, Assistant to the President for International Idiotic Economic Policy and Janet Nero Reno, Attorney Generalissmo, among others.
"I realize what a great sacrifice these wonderful Americans will be making," Clinton stated, as many of his delegation began to sidle away from him in panic and fear. "We don't all need two eyes, or two kidneys, or even necessarily a brain, and in grand American tradition, we'll be giving up a bit of ourselves to benefit our gracious hosts. The DN... er ... America will gain from this noble sacrifice and relations between our great land and China will stabilize."
Republicans had vocally critized Mr. Clinton's giveaway of vital organs to the Chinese, although it was quite apparent by the frozen terror on the faces of prospective donors that this was the first they'd heard about the organ transfers. "The President has no right to give away others' body parts," complained Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, "however, I'm real glad I'm not in Xi'an right now!"
President Clinton went on to say that those in his delegation who survived the organ transfers would be rewarded by the new Americans Who Donate Body Organs to Foreigners Act, which Clinton will be sending to Congress upon his return to the States. "This Act will see that these Americans are taken care of. No one should have to suffer because they are generous or even if they were simply ordered to donate some body parts against their will."
"We Americans are firm believers in human rights, and we will honor the
human rights of these good citizens, including their right to keep whatever
might be left of them intact," concluded the President.
© Patricia Neill 1998
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