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Apparent Suicide Syndrome: Will the US Survive?

May 17, 2002 Geneva -- Apparent Suicide Syndrome killed another 851 people today in Washington DC, reported Dr. LaFarge, director of the Center for Disease Control. LaFarge held out little hope that the capitol of the US can withstand this mysterious and dreaded contagion, or that it can be cured.

Millions of Apparent Suicide Syndrome (ASS) deaths have swept the US since 1992. Scattered examples of the disease arose in the early 1960s, a few more in the 70s, more still in the 80s in certain regions of Arkansas, only to explode with horrendous results in the 1990s.

Victims of the disease, said Dr. Lafarge, come from all walks of life. Two early high echelon victims were White House Counsel Vincent Foster and Admiral Boorda. Scores of others, from wellknown to unknown, died from ASS during the early years of the Clinton Administration.

Campaign managers, former bodyguards of Mr. Clinton, Arkansas police officers, anyone who noticed anything strange about Mena Arkansas were also, oddly, major victims, reported Dr. LaFarge, during a press conference in Geneva, Switzerland.

In early 1997, the CDC moved its headquarters to Geneva, said LaFarge, to better study this mysterious disease from afar.

"The etimology of ASS at first seemed to involve personal acquaintance with the present Administration," said LaFarge, who has been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize for his many brilliant autopsy reports on the suicide victims. "However the disease then spread to the general population, afflicting people as far away as Nebraska, Oklahoma, and Alaska.

Hundreds of victims of ASS have died mysteriously in Apparent Plane Accidents, which appears to be a major subsidiary of Apparent Suicide Syndrome. Others have suicided themselves via bizarre gun shot wounds they normally would not have been able to perform. "Multiple examples exist of victims killing themselves by a shot to the back of their heads, with their hands tied behind them," reported LaFarge.

Judy Rasputin, Assistant to the Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare, also spoke at the press conference. "Others have shot themselves in the back with shotguns, or shot themselves up to 12 times--both situations so abnormal that these cases merit the special designation of Apparent Suicide Syndrome."

"This is a very contagious and very bizarre disease," said Ms. Rasputin, during the press conference. "It's quite unreal to have all these victims dropping like flies from these unusual ways of committing suicide. I don't know what has come over people."

Whatever it is causing this disease--viral, bacterial, total lunacy--it has spooked the American people. Some methods of suicide were truly strange. "Some victims of ASS have run themselves over with their cars, after shooting themselves. Cases have been reported of people chopping themselves up into bits with an axe, weighing the parts down with chains, and tossing themselves in the river," said Ms. Rasputin. "Its a terrible disease and so many have died."

Dr. Lafarge spoke again to the large audience of journalists, most of the American, most of them also having moved to Geneva to better study this disease from afar.

"It is no doubt simply a coincidence that most of the victims have publicly or privately spoken out about the current Administration," said Dr. LaFarge. "Diseases cannot and do not pick victims of one particular political stripe or another, so this must be simple coincidence."

"We MUST wipe out ASS in our lifetimes," said LaFarge, pounding the podium. "The CDC is doing all it can to contain the contagion within the boundaries of the United States. However, isolated outbreaks have occurred in other parts of the world," he noted.

LaFarge cited virulent outbreaks of ASS in Qana, Lebanon, and in Chechyna, Russia's breakaway republic. "We can only hope to get these spontaneous outbreaks of ASS under control before the disease spreads worldwide."

(Help wipe out ASS in our lifetimes by sending some money right now to the:
Bob Starr Legal Fund
c/o Jeff Randall
Route 1, Box 182
Gallant Alabama 35972
. . . . Thank you.)

22 May 1996

Patricia Neill, 1997

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8 Dec, 1997