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President Clinton has ordered all federal agencies to "set an example for employers across the country by hiring welfare recipients." (This according to a New York Times article, March 9, 1997). Clinton has given agency heads 30 days to come up with detailed hiring plans and has named Al Gore to supervise agency efforts.

We at the SacredBull News Service wish to express our wholehearted support for the president's plan. We believe it will not only help welfare recipients, but will have an even greater benefit to American society as a whole. As this plan goes into effect, we can expect to experience a soaring improvement in the workings of government.

For example, studies have shown that the average welfare recipient has an IQ of 80. Adding these new workers to agency payrolls could have such stunning impacts as:

In addition, given the fine work ethic we can expect from these newcomers, we might anticipate such benefits as a marked increase in the speed of mail delivery, coupled with a cheerier, more "can-do" attitude among postal workers.

We believe the president's move is both wise and long overdue. It is time for career welfare recipients to cease being a passive drain on the energy of their fellow Americans and to assume their rightful place in government as an active drain on the energy of their fellow Americans.

©1997 Claire Wolfe. This article may be reprinted for non-commercial purposes, as long as it is reprinted in full with no content changes whatsoever, and is accompanied by this credit line. The article may not be re-titled, edited or excerpted (beyond the limits of the fair use doctrine) without the written permission of the author. For-profit publications will be expected to pay a nominal reprint fee.

This piece originally appeared on the SacredBull political satire list.

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20 November, 1997