Den Links Literature Reviews Bookstore Friends Humor Claire's Essays Claire's Books Wolfe's Lodge
Previous Silly Stuff Next

Wolf Tracks


November 2, 1997

  • To: Steven Grossman, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee
  • From: Claire Wolfe, nobody in particular
  • Regarding: An appointment with Mr. Bill Clinton

    Dear Mr. Grossman:

    This morning I read a New York Times story by Katharine Q. Seelye. It was about a bunch of people who paid $50,000 to spend this weekend with Mr. Bill Clinton at some ocean-front resort in Florida. The money goes to your fine organization. In the article, you said those people paid to spend time with Mr. Clinton because:

    "People, donors and citizens alike, like to be respected for what they have to offer intellectually."

    That's very nice of you, Mr. Grossman. It's a really good thing that the DNC and Mr. Bill Clinton are going to respect citizens and donors for their minds, now. (As a woman, I'm especially relieved that Mr. Clinton has made that decision.)

    I have a question, though. It's like this. I'm a very smart person and I have a lot of things I'd like to offer Mr. Clinton, intellectually. Really. A lot of them. And I'm sure he would respect me for them. But I don't have $50,000. I'm really sorry, Mr. Grossman, but I don't even have $25,000.

    Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm a poor writer without much of anything. But I've been saving change from my grocery money. I shook it out of the pig after reading Ms. Seelye's article, and it turns out I have $21.43.

    I see that Mr. Bill Clinton's price for listening to people has been coming down. He used to charge $100,000 to sleep overnight at the White House, and now it's just $50,000 for a whole weekend at the ocean, which is a much nicer place than downtown Washington, DC.

    With prices dropping, I thought maybe Mr. Clinton might even be interested in listening to people like me.

    I was wondering how much of my intellect I could offer him for $21.43? I don't need a whole weekend, or anything. (In fact, until I'm sure about this respecting people for their minds thing, I don't even want to be around the president for a whole night, really.)

    It also doesn't have to be at any fancy resort. Mr. Bill Clinton could come right here to my living room for an hour or two, and I'd even pay for the coffee!

    Would you please make the arrangements for me? Thanks a heap, Mr. Grossman!

    Oh, by the way: I think I fall into the "citizen" category, not the "donor" category, but I'm not sure. Can somebody be a citizen and still be a donor to the Democratic National Committee?

    In great anticipation--
    Claire Wolfe

    (c) 1997 Claire Wolfe. This article may be reprinted for non-commercial purposes, as long as it is reprinted in full with no content changes whatsoever, and is accompanied by this credit line. The article may not be re-titled, edited or excerpted (beyond the limits of the fair use doctrine) without the written permission of the author. For-profit publications will be expected to pay a nominal reprint fee.

    This piece originally appeared on the SacredBull political satire list.

    Previous Top Next

    Wolf Tracks

    | The Lodge | Claire's Books | CW Essays | CW Sillies | Patricia Neill | Friends
    | Bookstore | Reviews | Literature | Sound-Off Archive | Den | Links |

    If you find anything awry at this site,
    please contact the Web Tender.

    28 November, 1997