This month, we were able to catch up with one of the first candidates to throw his hat in for the 2000 presidential race. While we haven't heard much from him over the past few years, he was once a household name across the country.
JP: Well Mr. Hitler, I can't really say it's an honor to speak with you. Many in this country find you thoroughly repugnant. Why have you come out of hiding after all these years?
AH: Please, spare me the theatrics. Yes, I provoked a war and embarked upon a genocidal campaign. But you Americans have little room to criticize. Your nation has had more than its fair share of unprovoked wars, most notably the Spanish-American and the "police action" in Vietnam, not to mention how Woodrow Wilson maneuvered the US into WWI. And as for concentration camps and genocidal campaigns, you need look no farther than Japanese Americans in WWII and the American Indians for similar policies implement by the US. Especially the Apaches, who were the victims of several genocidal campaigns. However, I must say that I admire how your intelligence organization's efficiency in propping up puppet regimes in foreign nations. If I had such an apparatus at my disposal, WWII would not have been necessary.
As for why I have come out hiding, I have been monitoring the US papers very closely, especially the "letters to the editors" features. In all of your major papers, I see letters on a daily basis that square with my political philosophy. The time is ripe for me to return to politics.
JP: So you're running for President... I assume that you are running as an extreme right wing candidate. What has the Republican National Committee said about you running against Neil Bush, Steve Forbes, or whomever else they anoint?
AH: Republican? Don't be ridiculous! While the Republicans support many of my ideas for public subsidies of business, their platform doesn't nearly go far enough. I am running as a Democrat.
JP: You're kidding of course!
AH: No, I am dead serious.
JP: Very well then, I'll ask you some questions that will be sure to show the absurdity of this. First one, what is your position on school choice and vouchers? This is almost a litmus test.
AH: I am opposed to them. State control of the schools is of paramount importance. How else would it be possible to indoctrinate our youth on the needs of the State and Party?
JP: Hmmmm…that's not what I expected. How about volunteerism? Our current President has made this an issue of great importance, and some schools have made voluntary community service mandatory. I'm sure that the cold-hearted Nazis would have nothing to do with this.
AH: Are you kidding? It was a cornerstone of my "Hitler Youth" program. Providing the volunteering was done for, what is the word… politically correct … causes. Ha ha! Of course, political correctness changes with the prevailing political climate.
JP: What about funding for the arts? I don't recall that being on the Nazi hit parade.
AH: The Nazi party was a strong supporter of opera and political artwork. Much like the National Endowment for the Arts does in this country.
JP: I can't deny that. How about Health Care? We in America are very conscious of the need for state sponsored health care. I remember all kinds of barbarous medical experiments being performed by the Nazis. Don't even try to tell me that you are in favor of government run health care.
AH: I most certainly am in favor of it! Of course, when you have State run health care, it is necessary to ration the amount of care, or else everyone with a runny nose will be showing up at the clinic. If you treat anyone who wants care, it will pauperize the State! [banging fist on table]. Those experiments were done only to keep down costs! Very much like your Tuskeegee syphilis experiments.
JP: I hate to admit it, but you're right. We did allow medical atrocities like this to occur to members of certain racial groups.
AH: As I was saying before, you have little room to criticize me. As your own President Kennedy said: "Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country."
JP: [sarcastically] Very nice. What about State run daycare?
AH: We had it in Nazi Germany. It was necessary to increase the national output. It is wasteful to have women at home, where they cannot contribute to the greater glory of the State by paying taxes. In addition, it provides an additional opportunity to indoctrinate our youth.
JP: What about hate crimes
AH: Such as calling someone a Nazi? Ha Ha! Seriously, though, in the Third Reich we punished people for thought crimes, in the very same fashion.
JP: What about affirmative actions? I know that you won't support that!
AH: The Third Reich was one of the biggest supporters of racial quotas in history! Just because you change the group that benefits from race politics doesn't change the fact that you are supporting race politics. But I must admit that I am uncomfortable supporting such policies in America, since I am not in a favored class. However, I'm sure that much political hay can be made from this nonetheless.
JP: One of the big issues the nation's capitol is gun control. The Nazis were really into armament, so I know that at least I'll get you on this question.
AH: Wrong! The Nazi Party strongly supported gun control. In fact if you look at your 1968 Gun Control Act, you can see that it was almost taken line for line from our 1938 Gun Control Law. After all, the State can protect those who merit protection.
JP: Well Mr. Hitler, our time is almost up. It certainly appears that your are a Democrat in good standing. Do you have any further statements?
AH: Yes. I would like to say that I as head of the Nazi Party was staunch supporter of socialism, just like the Democrats are in America. In fact Nazi stands for the National Socialist Party. It does both the Democrats and the Nazis a disservice to compare Republicans to Nazis. While the Republicans support many of our tenets, they don't come anywhere close to the Democrats in subjugating the individual's needs to those of the State. Or Society, or social justice, or whatever you call it these days. But I must admit I am a fan of the Republican's schemes for creating a de facto National ID. "Your papers, please." Ha, ha, ha, ha!
America is only on the verge of reaching its full glory of the Omnipotent State! Keep up the good work! Remember to vote for me in November 2000! Seig heil!
This interview is of course fictitious, and is meant not to cause offense to any that have lost relatives to totalitarianism regimes. It is meant to offend those who have contributed to the nazification of America.
Copyright © 1998 by Jeff Penrod. Permission granted to distribute this article, provided credit is given and the article is distributed intact.
| The Lodge
| Claire's Books
| CW Essays
| CW Sillies
| Patricia Neill
| Bookstore | Reviews | Literature | Sound-Off Archive | Den | Links |
If you find anything awry at this site,
please contact the Web Tender.