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Here's one from Todd Gillespie, master of the SacredBull political satire list. This one came out in fall 1997.

Weld Abandons Quest for Mexican Ambassadorship

By Todd Gillespie

The pathologically self-important William Weld announced on Monday that he has abandoned his fight to be the U.S. ambassador to Mexico. Weld had predicted that an uprising among "people out there on Main Street" in support of his nomination would force Sen. Jesse Helms (DemoPubliCrat, N.C.) to give his nomination a hearing. The uprising fizzled, however, as it became clear that fewer than 1 percent of the American public had ever heard of Weld -- and none reported caring either way whether Weld lives or dies.

A TimeNewsweekABCBNCSGallupUSAToday poll conducted over the weekend revealed that out of 3,000 citizens, 4 had heard of Weld, 2 cared who was the ambassador to Mexico, and all 3,000 respondents would have preferred to have been left alone. The poll also revealed that 75% of the American people could not find Mexico on a map, and 95% didn't care. The poll had a 3% margin of error. Topeka, Kansas housewife Marge LaFarge, who lives on Topeka's Main Street with her husband George LaFarge, said "I don't think we should move none of our welders to Mexico. They already sent all our factories down there."

Helms has refused to give Weld a confirmation hearing before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, saying Weld is "soft on drugs" because of his advocacy for the medical use of marijuana. Weld, however, said "I have always been tougher on drugs than I am sober."

Weld said he is returning to Massachusetts, "where no one has to approach the government on bended knee to ask it to do its duty."

Sen. Tedster Kennedy (DemoPubliCrat, Mass.) said "Although no one in the Great State of Massachusetts is obligated to petition this government on bended knee, I don't have a problem with that. Especially the babes."

President Clinton, who had nominated Weld for the ambassadorship, said he prefers his female constituents in particular to approach him on both knees, a position reflecting the dignity of Clinton's Presidency. In an apparent move to distance himself from the failed nomination, Clinton said he had never heard of Weld, or Mexico, but he would like to know more about the bended-knee style of government. "That sounds like what we used to do in Arkansas," Clinton said Tuesday.

© Todd Gillespie.
Permission to reprint freely granted, provided the article is reprinted in full and that any reprint is accompanied by this copyright statement.

This piece originally appeared on the SacredBull political satire list.

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20 November, 1997